Monday, July 15, 2013


Knowing that it's better to get out before this blog disappears with no warning, I have moved here: My Kinky Journey I've imported almost all of what's on this blog, and I'm working to get the earliest stuff on the one blog too.  The new blog is in a safe place that isn't being disappeared because of adult content.  I'll keep this one up for a little while, but you can always get my new blog link from my Twitter bio. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Punishment Saturdays

I mentioned on Twitter recently about how I used to have lots of time for self spanking, especially on Saturday mornings.  For years I had at least a few hours every Saturday morning to play without interruption.  G. decided that if I had anything I needed to be punished for, I would do it then, otherwise I would pretend that I was being punished for something.  It helped me spank harder if I thought I deserved it for something I'd done, otherwise I'd wimp out and not spank very hard or very long.  I used everything, the hairbrush, bathbrush, paddles, belt, rubber rulers, and even the occasional switch when I could get a good one.  At some point we learned that when I was in the punishment mindset, embarrassment worked really well to help change my behavior.  G. decided that I needed to have the blinds and windows open.  We live in a basement apartment, so I wasn't exactly risking a indecent exposure charge, but if somebody had walked right up to the window, they would've seen me.  It's impossible to see in from the sidewalk, on either side, but hey, the sound of a paddle could make somebody curious enough to want to look in the window, right?

On the days when G. said I had to have a switch, I'd get that first.  I had to go outside to cut one, and try not to call too much attention to myself.  Eventually G. said that I couldn't hide it, that I had to swish it around on the way back to the building.  I always hoped that nobody was around when I had to do that, but whether or not anybody saw, it still added to the embarrassment factor. 

Part of the day was spent in "corner time" after a serious dose of the hairbrush or the paddle.  The thing was, it's a small apartment, with no real corners.  Somehow it was decided (not sure if it was my idea or G.'s), to bend over the kitchen table, no pants on, red bare bottom facing the window.  Again, not a serious chance of being seen, but every time I'd hear footsteps or voices outside, my heart would race.  I wasn't allowed to move, or look to see if anybody was looking in the window, so my imagination would go wild.  After the allotted time was done, I had to go back to spanking.  Sometimes I would use the hairbrush a lot more, sometimes I'd use the belt a lot more, sometimes I'd use something different every time.  The goal was always the same though, a very sore, very red bare bottom, and I was able to deliver.  G. had always thought I had a wimpy arm.  Yes, it takes a lot longer for me to get the same results he does, but that's mostly because it's more difficult to get the right leverage with some of the implements.  He can use the Lexan paddle on me, but I can't use it on myself because it's too big.  I tend to use the smaller implements because they're the easiest to use.  After each implement, it was back over the table.  I could feel the pain in my bottom as I stood there, knowing how red my bottom was, and dreading the possibility of hearing somebody outside the window.      

There was a time when I was seen, which I wrote about in another post called Fact or Fiction?  Telling G. the next night about having been seen was as embarrassing as having been seen in the first place.  He thought of it as part of my punishment, so he was happy that it had added to my embarrassment. 
It was on one of the days I used to get once a year where nobody would be home until late afternoon.  I always loved that day, because I didn't have to worry about anybody coming home, and I could play as much as I wanted. 

The end result of Punishment Saturdays was a very sore, very red bare bottom that would last at least until the end of the day, if not longer.  There were times when I really had a lot of time and it would last longer than the weekend.  Even sitting on my bed would hurt, and I would revel in it.    

Once a week during the spring, summer and part of the fall, I'd have a whole morning to be punished, or to play at being punished, depending on the situation.  It lasted for years, and it settled me down for the rest of the week.  It was great.  Three years ago it ended, and except for when I can see G., I go without being spanked these days, even from myself.  My mind and spirit aren't settled anymore.  I need it back, but I don't see that happening.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Finally Some Alone Time

On Saturday, as long as the plans hold, I'll have a good couple hours, maybe more, alone for the first time in I don't know how long.  I've needed this for a long time, since I haven't been spanked since last September.  When I told G., he was very happy about it, so I'm assuming that he's got some diabolical plans for me.  I bratted in two emails on Sunday (using the sticking out tongue emoticon), and I know I'm going to pay for that.  There's also probably other things he wants to nail me for, even from a distance.  He hasn't had a chance in a long time to make sure I pay for anything, at least since we saw each other last year, so I know he'll come up with something.  Luckily I can't use the Lexan paddle on myself, because it's too big, or it would be even worse, but he's good at coming up with evil plans without that.  With the new bamboo spoons, and the extra rubber rulers (yeah, I'm stupid, I bought two new ones because they were on clearance, plus I found the OLD one), and all the other implements I own, there's enough to make sitting difficult ('bout damn time!).  Maybe I can even get him to make me a couple new audio clips.  The ones I have are old, and he doesn't have to worry about anybody hearing him do them anymore.  He can even do them when we're on the phone, so that his Toppiness will be right there, he won't have to work from memory.  I have no problem being bratty enough to incite some good stuff!

One thing about finally being alone is that I'll be able to use the loud implements for a change.  I've managed to sneak and use the Liquid Cane before when there's been somebody home, but to be able to use the paddles and the hairbrush will make sure that it's a memorable (and painful) session.  The belt will get some use too.  I wonder if he'll say to use the belt more than usual because of so much brattiness?  It's a possibility.  He doesn't like bratting, and you know what happens when a Top doesn't like something.  The implements get a good workout!  So on top of fantasizing about how things will go in September with the things I know I'll be spanked for, now my mind is going over and over what he might come up with for Saturday!  I'm pretty sure I'm in a decent amount of trouble.  Hopefully we can skip corner time?  I HATE corner time!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Going to New York Again!

I can't get to Worldcon this year, but I came up with something as good, or better.  Going to New York to see G. in September.  So, here's what I want to do when I'm there.

1. Get spanked
2. See the space shuttle
3. Get spanked
4. Go to the shooting range
5. Get spanked
6. See more of the city this time
7. Get spanked

Well, you get the idea.  Tourist-y type things.  And getting spanked.  A lot.  It's a want AND a need.  Mostly a need.  And a want.  And a desire.  I want to feel the belt, the paddle, the riding crop, the belt again, the paddle again, the other paddle, the riding crop again, LOTS more of the belt, some of the hairbrush, and none of that freakin' stupid evil indestructible plastic spoon from hell that G. LOVES because I hate it.  Between the two of us we have enough implements to make that one totally unnecessary!  Right?   

Saturday, May 4, 2013

More Punishment Thoughts, or Drunk Blogging!

I've had enough to drink tonight to disconnect my brain from my inhibitions.  I'll get out what I should write, instead of being concerned about what happens because of what I write. 

I've been coming up with possible scenarios for the punishment that I know I'll be getting from G. for skipping school (there doesn't seem to be a statute of limitations LOL).  As usual, my fantasies go far beyond what G. would probably do, but he does tend to come up with some seriously evil ideas.  When I asked him why he hadn't commented on my last punishment post, he said, "I don't need to comment, I take notes."  That could be dangerous, for my butt anyway!  Spilling my guts even further at this point will only add to that, but what fun is hiding options?  Might as well come out with some of them. 

Not sure yet if I want it to be ageplay.  I know that if G. had been around back when it had first happened, I wouldn't have been able to sit for a very long time.  The first time I was 14, but looked much older, so I wasn't exactly a kid.  That means that any ageplay would be teen centered, especially for the later one, which was when I was 17.  It's an option if nothing else.  Something to consider. 

What I keep thinking about, because the first time was three different classes, that I'd probably get spanked with something different for each class.  Rubber ruler for the math class, paddle for gym, and maybe the hairbrush for English.  It's not that I hated English (I hated Fundamentals of Algebra and gym!), I just couldn't stand the teacher.  She was a royal pain, very domineering, and I didn't do well with authority at that age.  I didn't hate school in general, so I didn't actually leave the building for those three hours.  I hid in the library.  Back then I tended to live in libraries, so it seemed like the best idea.  It's probably why it took them so long to figure out that I'd managed to miss around a month's worth of classes.  It's been over thirty years, so I can't remember the exact amount, but I seem to remember that it was a little over a month, something that couldn't happen these days.  So, a spanking for each class, corner time in between, another spanking with a different implement for the number of days that I skipped, and then the belt for lying about it.  If G. had been around, I would've had to lie about having gone to all my classes to get away with it for that long, so I'm assuming that lying would be the biggest transgression. 

There's something else.  I never got punished for it when it happened, which is probably why I managed to skip a good chunk of 3rd year French.  I have a feeling that once G. finds out that I was never punished for it, (waves to G.), he's going to want to add to the punishment to make up for the lack of punishment at the time.  I have no idea what he'll come up with for that, but I can imagine that it won't be good at all.  Again, he's diabolical when it comes to that kind of thing, and I'm pretty sure he's assumed, up until now, that I had been punished for it.  Once he reads this, he'll know it all.  Even if I had mentioned about the skipping before, I'd never told him the whole thing, but now it's out there, and I'm wondering if we'll be discussing it at some point on the phone.  I want to, but I'm not sure if he does.  I hope he does.  We don't do a lot of talking about it, though we've done more lately than we had in a long time.  I like that, and I'd like to do it even more.    

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Hot Punishment Thoughts

The other night on the phone G. and I had a conversation that has led my thoughts to go to places they haven't gone in a long time.  In a discussion about French numbers, I told him that although I had taken French for three years in high school, by the third year I knew I wasn't capable of going anywhere with it because I'd never got the hang of it, so I'd started skipping classes that year.  He made that noise that lets me know that I'm more than likely in trouble.  I said that I didn't remember how many times I had skipped, and I doubted that it was as often as I'd skipped the first three hours of school when I'd been a freshman.  That, of course, went over even less well than the first confession.  I tell that part of the story so that I can get to this part.  Now I can't get the thought of being punished out of my head.  I'd been so stressed for the past six months that my brain couldn't get to those feelings often enough to be of any real help, so now I realize how much I've missed feeling those things.  The slight fear of wondering what he'll use to spank me, wondering what he'll say, if he'll institute corner time during the punishment, because we've been talking about corner time lately, for the first time in years.  It gives me a zing to think about all these things, even though I know that while it's happening I'll be anything but zingy.  Once I'm in the punishment mindset I'll be done for emotionally.  He'll spank me, I'm thinking multiple implements knowing him, and I'll become a blubbering mess.  Then I'll become malleable to an extent where I'll agree to be a good girl for a very long time, if not forever.  It won't last long, but while it does, I'll become very submissive.  It happens every time.  It's the only time I'm submissive.  I'm too strong willed and obstinate to be submissive the rest of the time, so G. has to work fast to get the promises out of me that he wants. 

Until the time comes that he does punish me for this, and I have no idea when that will be, I'll fantasize pretty much every possibility imaginable.  Except that there are always possibilities I don't think of, because he's diabolical when it comes to punishments.  He always manages to think up something so wrong and evil that there's no way I could ever think of it ahead of time.  Maybe it's the Top thing, but he always manages to surprise me somehow.  The fantasies I have about it are hot enough anyway, so they'll do until it happens.  You'd think that fantasizing about it would lessen some of the impact of it, but being in the same room with G., especially when he's intent on teaching me a lesson, makes it very serious when the time comes.  There's that Top thing that comes over him, which very few people have seen.  He's all business then, and very resolute on getting the results he wants.   

I have months to fantasize until then, and I'm going to take full advantage of that.  Thinking about belts and paddles, and even the evil DUH (Depleted Uranium Hairbrush, which G. nicknamed), which is the heaviest hairbrush I've ever seen or felt, which we'd stopped using so long ago that I'd forgotten we even had it.  I'm sure he'll want to use the Lexan paddle.  It's big and very wrong, in my opinion! 

Monday, March 25, 2013

Two very short things

 There are more years of the old SSC in online archives now, and I found a couple things I'd forgotten that I'd written from 2002.  They added a poetry category and a mini saga category.  Mini saga was a challenge: Write a story in 50 words or less.  Of course I had to try it!  For the poetry category I wrote a haiku.  There are longer things I wrote that year too, which I'll post soon. 


Hand on bare bottom
Anticipating the strike
You give, I receive


 The Chase

"Get back here for your spanking!"
She bolts, trying to stay one step ahead. She gets to the bathroom, grasps the door, closing it, as............
"Now you're going to get it," he says, barging in.
"Damn, I gotta take up track," she laughs, as the wooden spoon imprints her butt.


 An explanation for the mini saga.  G. came here to visit in 2001, and we found ourselves alone in the apartment at one point.  I don't remember what I said to instigate things, but the next thing I knew he was chasing me with the wooden spoon!  I TRIED to run into the bathroom because it's the only room with a door that locks. : )  The mini saga was actually what happened.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Story: What the Hell! (F/M)

This is an OLD story, from the SSC on the old newsgroup.  I wrote it in 2001, and hadn't seen it in years.  Some of the old stories are in a new archive, and this was one of them, so I grabbed it.  It's F/M, which I don't do too much of actually, but this one seemed to work well.

What the Hell!

After decades he still didn't understand this need in his head. Something was always telling him he needed to be spanked.  Not a voice, he wasn't that far gone, but there was something else, a feeling.  Most of him thought the idea was ridiculous, knew that he was sick to want it, but there was that little part that screamed the desire from down deep.  Told him that being over a woman's lap getting his bare ass spanked till he went limp from pain and hard from lust was the only way to go.  He just never had the guts to go through with it.

The opportunity to make it all come true came as a shock to his system. She told him he was a bad boy and needed to be spanked and he almost choked.  What the hell?!  That was for kids!  There was no way he was actually going to let her spank him!  No way, no how!  She was buggy to think so, and he almost told her so, but that little part made him stifle his snappy comeback and just stare at the floor.  She asked if he agreed, but he couldn't make himself answer.  He just couldn't!  NO! Yes, damn it, you know you want it, always have!  Go for it!  No, I can't, there's no way!  He stood mute as his mind battled with itself.

He knew she expected an answer.  What should he say?  Should he tell her no, and wonder what could've been, or should he say yes and risk having the fantasy destroyed, or even scarier, fulfilled beyond imagining. What the hell?!  Why was he even considering it?  It was crazy, twisted! Nobody wanted that, did they?  What made her say it?  Why would she want to spank him anyway?  Maybe she sees the need in your eyes, that little part of himself said.  What would be so bad if you said yes!  It's silly, I can't do it!  Geeeeeez, I have my pride, ya know!  I can't let her do this!  Why not, you silly fool!  You've wanted it your whole life!  Don't hide behind that stupid pride!  It'll just keep you from getting what you want!  No, no, no!  I can't, I won't!

He looked at her, as she waited to hear his decision.  She sat down, sensing it would be a while.  He heard his heart beating loudly in his ears, deafening him.  Fear reached for him.  Fear of getting it, and fear of not getting it.  AAAGGGHHH!  He couldn't decide!

That little part of himself grew bigger suddenly, taking control, forcing him to do what he must.  Oh, what the hell!  He moved to her side and put himself across her lap, falling into the unknown.

Oversized Men's Pajama Top

Sinful Sunday

Friday, March 8, 2013


 I wrote this ten years ago, after I watched Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.  The end of the movie made me realize that life doesn't work that way, that things don't just fix because of a few words.  I was going to put it on my LiveJournal page, but I realized that it mentions kink, so the only place I can put it is on here.  This is my safe place, along with Twitter.  I can be who I am.  This is a little dark, but it needed to be written.


There comes a time when you give up on what could’ve been, and accept what was. When you realize that wishing won’t change the past, and that even if you had the chance now, nothing would change. Real life doesn’t have a happy Hollywood ending, where everyone makes peace and there’s a plausible explanation for the hell you lived. The gentle giant you hoped was inside there somewhere never was, and the raging psychotic pedophile was all too real. What could’ve been never would’ve been, no matter what. Handing your innocence over to evil was the only other option, it would have given you what you wanted, the coveted “Daddy’s girl” status, but even in your naivete you couldn’t manage that. You had it, fleetingly, but then it was gone, stripped from you by your own innocent words, not knowing they would breed hate. The brutality was all you really remember, the short span of adoration obliterated by the years of emotional isolation, and the belt. You learned to sexualize the belt, only changing your inclination, not creating it. You are what you are, and the belt didn’t force it into being, it just changed its direction. You know that now, that there’s nothing wrong with what you have become, no matter what “they” say. You have taken back the power that was ripped from you so long ago. There was just a time when you would’ve done anything to have “what could’ve been”, but now you know better, and you accept what is.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


Myself, imperfections and all.

Sinful Sunday

Monday, January 7, 2013

I Need a Spanking

For the past couple years, I've had very little, if any, time alone.  This has made my ability to get any spanking done impossible.  Until August of 2010 I had Saturday mornings for most of each year, except for winters, for hours long self spanking sessions.  I planned these sessions, looked forward to them, and was able to get much needed spankings done during those sessions.  Then in August of 2010 my sister lost the job that had her working on Saturday mornings, cutting off my alone time.  Since then I've had very few opportunities to have time to myself at home, let alone get any spanking in, because my sister almost never leaves the apartment.  When she does, Mom is home.  G. and I discussed this when he was here before Worldcon, and he discussed options with Mom for giving me time home alone.  She knows about the kink, but I'm not sure he mentioned it as the reason I need time alone.  I think he just told her that no time at all alone has been bad for me.  She agreed to making sure that once we were back from Worldcon that I would be able to get time alone.  Two weeks later she fell, breaking her right arm and leg, and ended up in the hospital for a week and a rehab facility for three weeks after that.  I spent most of that time with her, except when I had to work, and then at night.  ONCE in that whole month my sister happened to be out of the house when I was home, so I took the opportunity to get some spanking in.  It wasn't hours long, I was lucky if it was an hour.  Mom has been home since the middle of October.  She was finally able to start driving sometime in November, and was able to leave the house on her own.  We're back where we started.  When I'm home, the only time my sister leaves the house is late in the day, when Mom is home.  She doesn't go out until very late in the day on the weekends, if at all.  So again I have no time alone.  If there was ever a time I needed a few hours alone to get some desperately needed spanking in it's now, after all that time I was so keyed up when Mom needed me for everything.  It's gotten so bad that I've developed a nervous tick where it feels like I can't breathe deep enough.  I need time alone, but the last time G. managed to arrange it for me disaster struck.  There's part of me that's afraid to bring it up again because I don't want it to cause anything else to happen.  It's what G. calls "magical thinking", and I don't do it normally, but I feel like I can't risk it right now.  I just need some time home alone, but my sister never leaves the house when Mom is out of the house.  Again.  The way it was for damn near two solid years.  I'm not sure how long my mental stability can hold out against this.  It's winter, and Mom doesn't leave the house as much as she does in the spring through the fall.  When it's warm, she's gone on Saturday mornings for hours.  It's the wrong time of the year to even hope for hours to myself, but waiting until the spring doesn't seem possible.  That won't even help unless my sister leaves too.  Which she never does, because she stays up all night and sleeps until at least noon.  I'm hanging by a thread here, and that fucking thread is getting thin.  A good long session with as many implements as I can manage would do me so much good if it could go for two or three hours.  I want it.  I need it.