Thursday, February 24, 2011

Spanking poetry

It doesn't happen often, but I've written a few.  If I really sat and thought about it, I could probably write a whole book of them.  I wonder if they'd sell?  Anyway, this is one I wrote years ago, but it's not like I can show it to anybody who would read my vanilla poetry. 

Surrender

You've reduced me once again
to that helpless malleable state,
Willing to do what you say,
Wanting to please you,
To submit to you completely.

Your power is evident
in your eyes, your tone,
Your manner,
The touch of the paddle
is almost secondary,
But provides the impetus
which pushes me over the edge,
To that state of mind
where you lead,
And I follow.

--------------------------

This one isn't so much about the physical act, as about the mindset behind it.  I'm not into the whole D/s thing, but after I've been punished, this explains what I become.  I so want to do whatever he says afterward, and to do things for him.  I want to be a good girl, to show him that the spanking did what it was designed to do.  It never lasts more than a couple hours of course, but it's definitely there.

I know G. would like it to last much longer, but hey, we can't have everything, right?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

On Embarrassment

Those in the spanking scene who really know me, also know that it's next to impossible to embarrass me.  In a play scene, anything goes.  Being bared for a spanking in front of people I don't know has no impact on me at parties.  Play mode is great, I can do anything, handle anything, and it amazes people that I have no fear.  Friends have taken it as a challenge to find something that would embarrass me.  Doesn't work in play mode. 

But then there's punishment mode.  It's a very intense mindset for me.  To know that G. is going to punish me because I've decided not to do something he thinks I should.  It's never anything trivial, he doesn't punish for imaginary things, and never for anything I would resent him for.  There's almost nothing he would punish me for these days anyway, the rules I had in the beginning don't really exist anymore.  He doesn't micromanage things either, so I don't have to worry about what I wear or who I talk to.  These days it's mostly attitude, like if I go the brat route a little too long.  I know he doesn't like it, but sometimes I'm in that mood where I want to be spanked, and not in a playful way.  It's just how things go. 

When I'm in this mindset, when I know I've pushed too far or disappointed him in some way (the latter doesn't happen these days but did in the early days), then it's possible for me to be embarrassed.  Not only possible, but pretty much automatic.  I think it has to do with the fact that when I'm in that mindset, I'm completely vulnerable emotionally.  It clicks into a totally different part of my being.  If he were to tell me, while I'm in that mindset, that he was going to spank me in front of anybody else, the level of embarrassment would be very high.  In punishment situations I don't have control over ANYTHING, including when my pants come down.  Knowing that I would be bared in front of anybody else, who would know I was being punished and not just spanked for the heck of it, would make me cringe almost visibly.  Just the idea of it sends that panic feeling through me. 

Of course, this means that some of my fantasies involve some sort of embarrassment in those situations.  The idea of anything like that happening is hot.  How can it not be?  The thrill/panic of being seen, or of being made to do something embarrassing in a partially nude state.  Fuel for the fire, as it were.  So most of me wants it to never ever happen in reality, but there's that little part of me that wants it.  Wants things to happen that I have no control over, to have my pants and panties pulled down with other people in the room, knowing that this isn't a play scene, that it's for real, a real spanking that will make me cry.  That's the other thing.  I only cry during punishment spankings.  I can get spanked all day in play mode, and it will never effect me emotionally.  I know, I've done it.  But let G. decide that he needs to take me in hand for some reason, and the power he has, that nobody else knows about, comes out.  Very soon I end up a blubbering mess.  It wouldn't matter who else was in the room at the time, it's inevitable.  To be reduced to that in front of witnesses, them seeing my bare red bottom and seeing how submissive and compliant I become, would make it difficult to face them again after it was all over.  I don't want it to happen.  It would be far too embarrassing, and they would know a part of me that only G. knows.  That's too embarrassing, but too hot not to contemplate!
  

Sunday, February 6, 2011

What do you do?

There are those of us who don't live with the person who spanks us, and there are those who have a long distance spanker.  That means that getting spanked doesn't happen very often, and we have to wait, sometimes for a long time, in between spankings.  What makes things worse, is health or living situations make self spanking a rare thing.  I've had to make due for months now, because the living situation here has changed so much that my old Saturday mornings by myself have disappeared.  I could get as much self spanking in as I wanted because I had a few hours to myself, and it was great.  That's nonexistent now, and the few times I've been able to get ANY self spanking in have been twenty minutes to an hour here and there, but nothing at all for over a month.  I want it, and need it, and I can't have it.  What to do?  I haven't come up with an answer yet.  I was wondering what other people do who have this situation where they don't live near their spanker, and can't always manage the self spanking.  Do you languish for lack of a sore red bottom?  Do you suck it up and deal with it, and just wait through the interminable time until you can see your spanker again?   I've been doing that lately, but I'm not sure how long it will last before I start feeling the mental effects of absolutely no spanking.  It's been so long that my fantasies are starting to lack the spark needed to really get me going, so even my masturbatory life is starting to languish.  The little thing I wrote the other day was my first hint that my spanking mojo is still intact, but how do I reignite it? 

Friday, February 4, 2011

Starting this over

I originally started this blog four years ago. I only wrote one post that year, and two the next. Not enough to keep anything going. At the time my spanking life had come almost to a halt, so there wasn't really anything to write about. Well, I still have this stuff in my head, even though I don't get spanked as much as I used to, so I need an outlet for it. This is the one place for it, because Facebook is my vanilla space, and I have to edit too much on Twitter. This is where I can talk about my kink, and my need to be spanked. Optimum situation would be long, hard and often, but at this point that's not happening. Later this year I'll finally get spanked by someone other than myself. Maybe I'll include the lead up to all of that, including the possibility of any threats and talk of what will happen. It's early yet, and I haven't been threatened in a long time, but that leaves a lot of time for it!

Becoming aware again

As I don the voluminous covering, I become aware of my body in ways that I haven't been in a long time. Masturbating on a regular basis is the minimum level of sexuality needed for my survival, but it's better than nothing, so my physicality connecting in my own mind to my sexuality happens only occasionally. Every part of me brushes against the cloth, my nipples pinging slightly. It reminds me that I want to be spanked, need to be spanked, and I long to feel the cloth brush against my bottom as it stings and tingles and burns. To be spanked hard, this is also needed for my survival, but I make do when it's not possible to indulge. I want to see my bare red bottom as I turn my head to look behind myself into the mirror. To admire the marks and know that he knows me well enough to know what I want, and cares about me enough to give me what I need.

My new-found awareness of my body makes me even more keenly aware that I am without what I want and need, and that it will still be some time before I can have it. To be pushed down onto a bed, feeling that thrill/panic go through my body just before the belt or the paddle makes contact with my oh so vulnerable bare bottom. To be spanked long enough for my body to relax into it and become relaxed on a level that I have not attained since my last "true" spanking. The thought alone is enough to fuel new fantasies, making me more aware of my pantie-less bottom as it brushes again against the slightly stiff cloth. It makes me smile.